Jokes December 2008

There was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job was to process all the mail that had illegible or incomplete addresses. One day, a letter arrived, written in very shaky handwriting, addressed to God...with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Thursday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my dearest old friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with, I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?
Sincerely,
Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other Post Office workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few pounds. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman. The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift.
By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it was those bastards at the Post Office.
Edna


First-year students at Medical School were receiving their first anatomy class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet.

The professor began the lecture by telling them: 'In medicine, it is necessary to possess two important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be disgusted by anything involving the human body.'

To illustrate, he pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the anus of the corpse, withdrew it, and stuck it in his mouth.

'Go ahead and do the same thing,' he told his students.

The students freaked out, hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it. When everyone finished, the professor looked at them and said, 'The second most important quality is observation.

I stuck in my middle finger and sucked on my index finger. Now learn to pay attention.'

A cabbie picks up a Nun. She gets into the cab, and notices that the VERY handsome cab driver won't stop staring at her. She asks him why he is staring.

He replies: 'I have a question to ask, but I don't want to offend you.'

She answers, ' My son, you cannot offend me. When you're as old as I am and have been a nun as long as I have, you get a chance to see and hear just about everything. I'm sure that there's nothing you could say or ask that I would find offensive.'

'Well, I've always had a fantasy to have a nun kiss me.'

She responds, 'Well, let's see what we can do about that: #1, you have to be single and #2, you must be Catholic.'

The cab driver is very excited and says, 'Yes, I'm single and Catholic!'

'OK' the nun says. 'Pull into the next alley.'
The nun fulfills his fantasy with a kiss that would make a hooker blush. But when they get back on the road, the cab driver starts crying.

'My dear child,' said the nun, 'Why are you crying?'

'Forgive me but I've sinned. I lied and I must confess; I'm married and I'm also Jewish.'

The nun says, 'That's OK. My name is Kevin and I'm going to a Halloween party.'

Einstein was born March 14, 1879. He would be 128 if he were alive today.
Few people remember that the Nobel Prize winner married his cousin, Elsa Lowenthal, after his first marriage dissolved in 1919. At that time, he stated that he was attracted to Elsa because she was so well endowed.

He postulated that if you are attracted to women with large breasts, the attraction is even stronger if there is a DNA connection. This came to be known as.......

Einstein's Theory of “Relative Titty”

A woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub, and gestured alluringly to the bartender who immediately went right up to her.

"What can I get you, Ma'am?"
She leaned forward across the bar, seductively signalling that he should bring his face even closer to hers. As he did, she gently began to caress his full beard. 'Oh yeah', he thought to himself.

"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands now.
"Actually, no," he replied, feeling a stir below.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair now.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender, heavily. "Is there anything...is there anything at all that I can do for you?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lip and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say, his trousers now incredibly tight.
"Tell him," she whispered…..."there's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."